the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I don't need to know how horny your mother is, hun.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
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