Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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