haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
