i think if you made a shrine it would be creepy
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Randomize
