Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
