jackpot. dress really slutty so he knows you mean business
whats up tonight?
Ice cream, wine, and teabags... Not the earl grey kind
Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.
I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Since Josh is going to be Carl Sagan for Halloween, he bought a turtleneck and sportsman jacket. It's all my nerd fantasies come true.
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
Randomize