My boss' voice literally gives me gas
and then I told him he looked like the Gordon's Fisherman dude. I don't think he thought it was funny, because he 'forgot' to pay for my beer.
i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
