I hate seeing commercials about babies when i'm high
Yeah, I don't like babies at all
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
It's alarming how good I'm getting at being productive at work on Thursday after Johnny Walker Wednesdays.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
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