i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
I really prefer to do my walks of shame in the summer
Randomize
