those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
My parents foreign exchange student just walked in on me whacking off. Welcome to America :)
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize