I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I think I heard my penis growl. Wanna do lunch?
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
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