I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
He might have if you were a little more subtle about your feelings instead of telling everyone multiple times how much you wanted his dick
I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!
Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
Randomize
