you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
17 year olds will be the death of me.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
