I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
Im broke. I spend all my money on weed cigarettes alcohol and food. In that order. I cant even cut one of those because you know it'd be food. I already stopped getting my nails done just so i could support my bad habits.
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I feel like I should have held a press conference. The state of my vagina
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
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