In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
My only options right now are Herpes, Gay, or Vanilla.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.
she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
