dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
