i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
i just wasnt prepared to have the baby of one of two french firemen. threesomes are too confusing.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Ok so you know that's gonna be legally viewed as kidnapping, right?
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
Randomize
