I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo
Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Dude for real though, we gotta stop getting hammered and kissing gay guys.
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
