Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
oh god was she eating orange peels again
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
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