I only kidnapped one of them. chill
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
Just walked into your room to get my clothes and he's still passed out in your bed. Remind me to high five you when you get home
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
He just asked me to be his girlfriend while having sex on his parents kitchen counter
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
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