Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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