one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
I would accept a super bowl ring as an engagement ring
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