6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
So do I get points for screwing my recently single ex boyfriend and then telling him to go fight for his ex back?
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
Randomize
