I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
Surprise court date day!!! Wake the fuck up!
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
You're either getting fucked or a coupon to Friendly's. I haven't decided yet.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
