you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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