I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
