nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
