Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Randomize
