It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
was i strangled at any point last night? or was his dick just that long
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Woke up at 5am in an elevator... Pretty much tells you how my weekend went.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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