My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
You've seen the quality of dick pics I normally get. The bar is high.
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