Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
my debutante medallion kept hitting his balls when i went down on him
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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