I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
I'm ready for this little girl to leave so I can hit the bong already
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Randomize
