You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
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