His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
We compared her boobs to bacon. I'm probably going to have to justify that.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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