I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Our drunk hook up was interrupted by the delivery guy. When he came back to my room we ate the gyros and went back to sex like we didn't take a lunch break.
Oh, in response to your "does dating get better" question...I feel like penises are getting smaller nowadays. Its been several years since I saw a good 8+ incher.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I deserve this hangover.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
