He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I dunno. The drunker I get, the easier econ gets. I may be onto something here.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize
