My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
Randomize
