I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
She just sent me a txt where every word ended in "zzz", with about a hundred "!!!" and called herself "juicezzz". I need back up.
UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Operation terrify all men while simultaneously make them fall in love with me is going quite swimmingly so far
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
