I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just paid my school fees like a real adult who doesn't get accidentally drunk on a Tuesday night
its weird getting into a political debate with a pony dressed as an anime character online
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
