If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize