he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
Can we table this discussion? The roommate is out of town and I have to eat pie on the couch in my underwear.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
