Is it normal that I have to take off my pants to get mouth stitches removed?
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
