she takes plan B like it's going out of style
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
at one point he couldn't find his underwear so he put on my catsuit to go to the bathroom
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
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