I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
