so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Well I found my neighbors on tinder if you're wondering how my night went
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
