wakey wakey hands off snakey
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
You shouted "my financial aid just came in, who wants a shot?!" Half the bar followed
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Randomize