Nice meating you last night
Not a typo
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
Saw a sign that said the chorus of never gonna give you up was enough time to wash your hands. Coronavirus has Rick rolled me.
Randomize
