you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
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