I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize