dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
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