I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Got an egg Mcmuffin combo, and put the hash brown in the sandwich. That level of hungover
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
