we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
Randomize
