I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I feel like a drive thru vagina
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
I just spontaneously learned how to embroider at three in the morning.
I also almost burned the house down in the process. Don't ask me how. It's a long story.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
