My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Jack off faster Americas best dance crew is beyonce themed
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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