Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.
dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Suffice to say, I think if people ask about your bruises, and you look them right in the eye, and say "they're from fucking...", people would be like, "respect."
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
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