You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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