Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Randomize
