Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
I'm at work behind the bar and just washed my mouth out with rumple bc I don't have a toothbrush. This may be a new low.
Randomize
