My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
After he convinced me that my friend had died and come back to life, I decided I was having sex with him that night, and that I should lay off the drugs for a while.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
We smell like vodka and hangover
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