im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
sending my old camp counselor nudes. childhood memory win or new low?
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
